DARVO – When the Person Who Hurt You Plays the Victim
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a pattern of behaviour where the person responsible for harm denies what they did, attacks the person who raised it, and repositions themselves as the real victim. It is one of the most disorienting dynamics in abusive relationships.
DARVO was first described by psychologist Jennifer Freyd. It is not a diagnosis or a formal clinical term – it is a framework for understanding a specific pattern of manipulation that occurs when someone is confronted with their own harmful behaviour.
Here is how it works. You raise something that hurt you. The other person denies it happened, or denies it was harmful. When you persist, they attack your character – you are too sensitive, you are making things up, you are the problem. Finally, they reposition themselves as the one who has been wronged. You end the conversation apologising for something you did not do, doubting your own perception, and wondering whether you were the one at fault.
DARVO is particularly effective because it targets your ability to trust yourself. When someone consistently flips reality – making the person who was hurt feel like the aggressor – it creates a state of chronic self-doubt. Over time, you may stop raising concerns altogether because the cost of doing so is too high.
This dynamic can appear in intimate relationships, family systems, friendships, and institutional settings. It is especially common in relationships involving coercive control, where the person with power has a vested interest in ensuring the other person's reality is never validated.
In therapy, I help clients recognise the DARVO pattern, understand why it was so effective, and rebuild trust in their own perception. This is not about assigning blame or seeking revenge. It is about clarity – seeing what happened for what it was, so that it no longer controls how you see yourself.
Crisis and Emergency Support
If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services by calling 999. Samaritans: 116 123 (24 hours, free). National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, free). Crisis and Emergency Guidance
Is DARVO always deliberate?
Not necessarily. Some people use DARVO instinctively as a defensive mechanism without conscious planning. But the impact on the person receiving it is the same regardless of intent.
Can DARVO happen outside romantic relationships?
Yes. DARVO can occur in family dynamics, friendships, workplaces, and institutional settings. It is a pattern of behaviour, not one confined to a specific relationship type.
If you recognise this pattern in your own experience and want to make sense of it, a free introductory call is a good place to start.