Stalking: There's Nothing Romantic About It

According to the American Psychological Association, stalking is defined as "a pattern of following or observing a person in an obsessional, intrusive, or harassing manner." In simpler terms, stalking is repeated, unwanted contact or surveillance by one individual towards another.

Stalking is a criminal offence in England and Wales under the Protection of Freedoms Act 2012. It can include:

• Repeated, unwanted phone calls, texts, emails, or social media messages
• Sending unsolicited gifts or letters
• Constantly following or surveilling the victim
• Showing up uninvited at the victim's home, workplace, or public spaces
• Damaging property or interfering with personal belongings
• Using identity theft to gain access to private information
• Cyberstalking – monitoring or harassing via digital means
• Spying, loitering, or using third parties to track someone's movements

Stalking is rarely a one-off incident. It is a pattern of behaviour, where each individual act may seem minor, but when taken together, creates a deeply disturbing and threatening picture.

Mullen et al. (2000) offer one of the most widely recognised typologies in their study, A Study of Stalkers:

The Rejected Stalker: Motivated by rejection (e.g. break-up, divorce, dismissal), this individual attempts to reverse or avenge the rejection. Their behaviour is often rooted in a need to regain control or reassert power over the former partner.

The Resentful Stalker: Acts out of grievance or perceived injustice. Their primary aim is to cause fear and distress in the victim.

The Intimacy Seeker: Believes they are destined to be in a loving relationship with the victim, often convinced they are soulmates. Delusions of intimacy drive their behaviour.

The Incompetent Suitor: Seeks a date or short-term relationship but lacks the social skills or understanding of boundaries. Their behaviour may be linked to cognitive limitations or neurodevelopmental differences.

The Predatory Stalker: Observes and follows their victim in order to prepare for an attack, which is often of a sexual nature. This type poses a high risk of physical harm.

According to Keith E. Davis (2006), stalkers are typically motivated by one or more of the following:

• A desire for revenge following perceived mistreatment or rejection
• The pursuit of unrequited love
• A desire to humiliate or degrade the victim

Davis further notes that "the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour." Many stalkers struggle to accept rejection – often interpreting it as a challenge, which only intensifies their efforts.

It is a myth that stalking only occurs after a romantic relationship. It is a myth that stalking only happens to celebrities. It is a myth that only men stalk women. Victims may include co-workers, casual acquaintances, clients, neighbours, former partners, or complete strangers. In some cases, stalkers have never even met their victims in person.

The effects of stalking can be severe and far-reaching:

• Physical health: insomnia, fatigue, headaches, gastrointestinal issues, heart palpitations
• Psychological health: anxiety, depression, paranoia, PTSD, panic attacks, flashbacks
• Social impact: withdrawal from friends and family, social isolation
• Occupational and educational impact: poor performance, job loss, dropping out of education
• Lifestyle disruption: relocation, heightened security, changes in routine

Stalking erodes a victim's sense of safety and autonomy. As Lamber Royakkers (2006) puts it: "Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim."

These effects do not disappear the moment the stalking stops. Many people continue to live with hypervigilance, difficulty trusting others, and disrupted sleep long after the behaviour has ended. In therapy, I work with people to process the impact of stalking, rebuild a sense of safety, and understand the dynamics at play. You do not need to have reported it to the police, and you do not need to minimise what you have been through.

Trust your instincts — if something feels wrong, it probably is.

• Keep records of incidents: messages, voicemails, sightings, photos of damage
• Inform the police and seek legal advice
• Strengthen your privacy settings online and avoid sharing your location
• Reach out to local support services or domestic violence charities

Remember: this is not your fault. You are entitled to feel safe, respected, and left alone. Stalking is a crime — and it should be treated as such.

If you have been affected by stalking and would like to explore therapy, book a free introductory call. You do not need to have all the answers before reaching out.